every day is something new. (that's bad)

4-20-25⠀|⠀listening to: a tiny overworked desk fan

i feel like i constantly have other people's problems piled on me, but i can't go to other people for my own. it's constant, back to back, every day someone has something intense going on and i don't know how to help them and nobody will tell me how to help them. and i have my own problems too, i literally hate being alive. but i can't go to anyone about it because everyone around me is going through something. and i want to make everyone feel heard, i can't just tell everyone that i can't take their problems right now because i don't want people to feel as fucking lonely or isolated from help as i do, but it's so fucking stressful. i can't have one singular day of peace. i thought it would be a lovely evening, too. it's like i'm rigged with a fucking pipe bomb and every time i get a moment of piece it's triggered to fucking explode.

happy 4/20, i am unfortunately and painfully not blazed.

4:56 am

4-7-25⠀|⠀listening to: IDOLiZER by STYXVII

some days (honestly, most days) i wake up and all i can think about is how much i don't want to be here. i'm mentally exhausted and i'm helpless to fix it. i want to run my head through a brick wall. is this how you're supposed to go through life? i don't know what i'm doing wrong but nothing helps anymore. i've been trying to make this shit work for 19 years and it's only getting worse.

therapy doesn't do shit for me, not that i can afford it anyway. talking about how i feel doesn't do anything. i can feel my insides shaking and my throat closing whenever i feel literally anything ever and it wont go away and i just want to feel okay!! this cannot be normal, there's no way everyone else is just walking around existing like this with and im not. i feel so alone. cliche, right? but i really feel like no matter how many people are around me, i can't talk about it. besides, if professionals cant fix it then i don't think anyone else can so what's the bother.

i guess i'll finish doing my laundry and pretend it's better for a little while longer.

concert!!!

3-23-25⠀|⠀listening to: you hear yes - destroy boys, mannquin pussy, scowl

train back home to portland and i am so happy to be out of boston. what a hellhole! i say that about everywhere i go but i feel like i mean it this time.

last night we went and saw rare americans, hotel mira, and shauna dean cokeland. i pitched the tickets to my girlfriend because of rare americans, but i was so excited to hear shauna dean cokeland and oh my god i was not disappointed at all. i'd see a million of her shows if i could. i got my first signed item too!! i think band merch is my favourite kind of decor and clothing. if i could live in band tees i would.

i know it's going to suck dick getting back into the flow of schoolwork. i have a project due tomorrow which i haven't even started but yk ... i dont rlly wanna so i havnt.

i fucking hate people!

3-18-25⠀|⠀listening to: carnival - bikini kill

on and off friends with someone and i finally ended that yesterday. it turned into a big thing, which i knew it would, but i couldn't stand to be around him anymore. it felt like every time i was in his presence my brain is screaming so much hate so loudly and constantly. he makes me want to walk around yelling "FUCK OFF" like a human fire alarm. i know the way i feel is irrational but i feel like even if it is, i still shouldn't be near him. it's better off to avoid him, which meant telling him i don't want to hang out.

my sound project in classes is going to be an interpretation on how my brain feels when i'm like this. i constantly feel like, when im near some people, my brain is screaming every emotion i have about them so loudly. i can only ever maintain strong, long-lasting relationships with people who don't make my brain do that, who i dont feel extremely strongly about, or at least so much so that my head swirls with every emotion i have. even if i do enjoy someone's presence, i can't take it mentally. smoking helps. i feel my brain get a little bit quieter, but i can't be smoking constantly. i guess im doomed, and if im not rotting mentally, im rotting physically.