concert!!! boston (ew)

3-23-25⠀|⠀listening to: you hear yes - destroy boys, mannquin pussy, scowl

train back home to portland and i am so happy to be out of boston. what a hellhole! i say that about everywhere i go but i feel like i mean it this time.

last night we went and saw rare americans, hotel mira, and shauna dean cokeland. i pitched the tickets to my girlfriend because of rare americans, but i was so excited to hear shauna dean cokeland and oh my god i was not disappointed at all. i'd see a million of her shows if i could. i got my first signed item too!! i think band merch is my favourite kind of decor and clothing. if i could live in band tees i would.

i know it's going to suck dick getting back into the flow of schoolwork. i have a project due tomorrow which i haven't even started but yk ... i dont rlly wanna so i havnt.

i fucking hate people!

3-18-25⠀|⠀listening to: carnival - bikini kill

on and off friends with someone and i finally ended that yesterday. it turned into a big thing, which i knew it would, but i couldn't stand to be around him anymore. it felt like every time i was in his presence my brain is screaming so much hate so loudly and constantly. he makes me want to walk around yelling "FUCK OFF" like a human fire alarm. i know the way i feel is irrational but i feel like even if it is, i still shouldn't be near him. it's better off to avoid him, which meant telling him i don't want to hang out.

my sound project in classes is going to be an interpretation on how my brain feels when i'm like this. i constantly feel like, when im near some people, my brain is screaming every emotion i have about them so loudly. i can only ever maintain strong, long-lasting relationships with people who don't make my brain do that, who i dont feel extremely strongly about, or at least so much so that my head swirls with every emotion i have. even if i do enjoy someone's presence, i can't take it mentally. smoking helps. i feel my brain get a little bit quieter, but i can't be smoking constantly. i guess im doomed, and if im not rotting mentally, im rotting physically.